Blue boat stories excerpt
Tales of cruising the rivers and canals of France
I once had a boat in Burgundy.
It was a beautiful deep blue Dutch cruiser quite old but still in good condition.
Here follows a tale of what happens when you fail to follow the lesson that all good scouts, girl guides, brownies and cubs learn. That important lesson of being prepared
On this day I discovered that one occy strap (or bungee cord for the non Australians,) is not enough.
The previous day we had bought a fridge for the boat and after its delivery approximately 10 minutes after leaving the shop (Australian Retailers could learn a lot here!).
I then decided we needed food to fill it. The reason we needed a new fridge is glaringly obvious to anyone who sets foot onboard our little tub. The one that came with Honingdrank is about 30cm x 30cm x 10 cm deep. It comfortably holds only one 300ml bottle of milk, one slice of Comte cheese a slim packet of pre-cut ham and three cans of beer - provided said beer is of a certain tin size and dimension.
What it could not hold, was the more commonly required, bottle of wine, a litre of milk and a whole lettuce.
In fact we could not buy most fresh food because the old fridge was not even big enough to hold 6 eggs!
So delivery of the fridge was very exciting because it meant that I could go food shopping.....and unusually, I could go on my own and mooch about for as long as I liked because Pete was doing some electrical work and was busy so not really available.
An empty fridge yearning to be filled with all kinds of goodies, what should I buy?
The possibilities! I set off with two shopping bags and a backpack, the usual configuration when we both go shopping! My bike has a rear basket which I usually cram two shopping bags into that are half full.
However because I was on my own and distracted by the thought of how to fill the fridge, when Pete said" do you need me to come along?" I waved him off and said "no! no! I'll be fine!"
The supermarket is about 3 kms away from the marina and I set off, the sun was shining, it was warm for the second time only in the 4 weeks we have been here, and life was feeling glorious.
As I approached the car park of the Bricolage I thought to myself what an ideal opportunity, Pete's not here I'll go and get him a surprise for his birthday!
So I deviated slightly from my plan and collected some items which shall remain nameless because they are a surprise.
I continued on as intended to the supermarche Lidl which is another version of Aldi except because we don't live in a house we don't get the catalogue specials, and hence we have no idea what is for sale on any particular day.
I had a couple of things on my list including food for 3 days because it was the May Day holiday. Items including toilet paper and some fresh food.
Now bear in mind I have come to Lidl to buy 3 packets of some kind of protein intended to make dinner for the next three nights, a few fresh veggies and some yoghurt.
I already have in the hold of the boat a string bag of potatoes which really need to be eaten in the next few days along with half a packet of grated cheese which is now two weeks old and must be getting towards the end of its mould free life and a half a tub of that really inexpensive (in France) - creme Fraiche. So when I spot a giant bunch of plump,fresh, healthy green leeks - immediately potato and leek soup, served with a crusty baguette and delicious creamy French salty butter
comes to mind and into the trolley they go. They are so big they take up a quarter of the trolly's base. But never mind, I have a fridge which has a veggie crisper and I can trim them down a bit, well a lot! Oh look! I spot a box of ice making bags. I have not looked in the freezer box so I better take the ice making bags so I can make ice for the gin and tonics which I will make because I have also scored half a dozen cans of tonic and a litre of gin for just under €12. It's like I have already drunk the gin and all reason has gone from my brain? Oooh look a bottle of red wine with a silver medal. Yep that goes into the trolly too! A giant jar of Nutella which weighs in at a hefty one kilo also escapes my sensible brain, because I have acquired a taste for Nutella and banana on toast for those long leisurely French breakfasts so we can use up the leftover baguettes for toast.
What I did not have on my list was; half a dozen tins of tonic water, a bottle of gin, a bottle of red wine, a huge jar of Nutella and a barbecue! When I say barbecue I mean the type of barbecue that you fill with charcoal, and grill tender luscious steak and other varieties of meat on for a gathering of friends.
That would be a steel type bbq that folds up!
The one that's on special for €17.99 this week and selling like hot cakes! How do I know it's selling like hot cakes? Because the pile is down to the last few!
And because it's now all in the trolly and the Lidl trollies are obviously maintained by the Holden racing team's mechanics in their down time, and glide smoothly and easily across floors and car parks with nary a touch of ones little finger. I have no actual concept of the weight of the stuff I have bought in my carefree sunny mood enhanced by the blue skies and lack of rain on this beautiful Friday afternoon.
I emerge from the heady atmosphere of French supermarket ambience into the car park, and commence the packaging routine which is suddenly registering the lack of a Pete.
I have a backpack, a nylon shopping bag and a giant shopping bag which I have not actually used in my basket on the bike before.
All the groceries and grog fit into the two shopping bags, but the one giant shopping bag is too big for my bike basket, oh yes and did I tell you about the barbecue? It folds flat! Now where was I? Oh yes....
Returning to the one elasticated strap with a hook on either end - call it occy or bungee or what you will- which I mistakenly thought would be adequate for my shopping trip, and it probably would have been, had I not bought a folding barbeque and a huge packet of toilet paper (which when I got home I found out was bloody kitchen paper again! Twice I have been shopping for toilet paper and twice Lidl have fooled me into buying kitchen paper by putting on the end of the toilet paper stand and calling it 3 ply ultra absorbent and some other French words extolling its virtues and making it look like bog paper. We now have a dozen rolls of kitchen paper and zero loo roll)
Anyway at the time I thought it was loo roll and it was important and so I felt obliged to not ditch it.
Outside in the harsh reality of the car park section reserved for the bicycles right outside the grog shop next door, are two blokes one is about 50 - so not too old to be deaf and the other is about 20 and has the latest haircut and fashionable jacket who may or may not have been wearing earphones but in any case they were both standing and watching me unload my purchases. I pack all the heavy stuff into the giant bag and all the delicate stuff into the nylon bag, my back pack has Pete's birthday pressie in it which is also delicate in parts!
I try to lift up the large bag out of the trolly and can barely drag it over the rail, hmmmmm I think, this may need a re think. I look around. The two Frenchmen are openly staring at me and continuing to talk to each other.
...... "Shit" I say to myself - not quietly. They continue to stare and now I am sure they know I am not French so their voices lower and I know they have a new topic of conversation.
I have unloaded bags and Bbq from the trolly and returned the trolly so now I am on my hands and knees juggling heavy glass items and 4 kilos of leeks with secret birthday gifts which must remain hidden, in an attempt to be able to lift all three bags. This is when I realise that giant bag does not fit into the basket!
Undeterred I leave bags on ground and attempt to load bbq into basket. That fits in diagonally-obviously my eyes are bigger than my basket! On the front of my bike is a bracket so I try a different tack. I wrestle the occy strap from the bottom of my back pack and try to balance BBQ in a box on the bracket and somehow tie it to the handlebars, but the strap is too short the bracket is at a silly angle and snaps up nearly taking my nose with it. I put my glasses on! I've heard about people loosing eyes.
The two gentlemen have now lost all conversational ability and are openly staring. I turn my back and ignore them. If I did not have to cycle 3 kilometres back over stony paths I could have just borrowed the trolly. I contemplate putting my bike in the trolly and walking the alternate route which is about 5 kms. Now I am grasping at straws because that is a 10 km round trip.
Hopefully I scan the car park with the vain hope of seeing someone, anyone from the marina. The universe is cruel on this occasion and there are no familiar faces.
I stop and look, then a bright idea comes to me. I will place delicate items in basket, the BBQ flat on top and stretch that strap to within an inch of its life over the giant grocery bag and pray that sheer force of elasticity will hold everything together. It does but the bike is now really heavy and very unstable the BBQ has now taken on the properties of a sidewinding projectile ready to unleash its energy at any time, and my bike riding skills are still not that good. So I decide I will just push the bike home enabling me to monitor the occupational health and safety aspect at all times.
Down the car park I walk with the wobbly load. I have just made it to the stony path bit, the bike is heavy, there's a bit of grass on either side, the BBQ hasn't slipped so I think I will chance it and try to ride.
In front of me is a playground, and all the dads are there with their children in the playground. Must be men's day out I think to myself. I get on the bike and ride about 50 metres. Now I am right opposite the playground and suddenly the weight on the back of the bike is no more, there is a crash and I jump off the bike to see launched BBQ, mushrooms, leeks and other assorted groceries spilled into the grass behind me. I sigh and repack my apples and bananas with my leeks and now without the help of the bike stand to steady my efforts I attempt to retie everything on. The gin is safe in my backpack along with the tonic! The kids all run over to stare, the dads remain in the playground.
Magically as I am wrangling the BBQ and the occy strap and balancing the wildly bucking bike, the BBQ box slips between the seat and the basket. Yes but how to get it to stay there?
Somehow I manage to stretch the strap so it holds everything tightly, I gather my dignity and walk on, only catching the back of my leg twice on the pedal before I disappear onto the relative smoothness of the towpath and can again remount said bicycle to ride the last third of the trip back to the marina with no more untoward happenings.
